{UNDER CONSTRUCTION}
~~~
Ella?
“Yes Barry?”
Remember the time I first saw you?
Ella laughed, “Yes Barry, I do,”
And I didn’t know how to talk to you, so I wrote on your hand?
“Yes, you were a shy little thing.”
And we became best friends, grew up, had families, but still kept in touch?
“Of course, Barry, but I don’t need a history lesson,” Ella smiled.
Well, are we still friends?
“Barry! You crazy old geezer! We’re still friends! We’ll always be best friends!”
Always?
“Yes,”
What if I said I accidentally let out Stripes, the cat your father gave to you on your ninth birthday, and she never came back?
“Even then, Barry,”
Well I did.
“I forgive you. Besides, I'm allergic to cats...”
What if we die tomorrow?
“Then I'll see you in heaven.”
What if I never asked you the question I've wanted to ask?
“Ask away,”
If you had your sight back, what would you want to see?
Ella thought for a second, leaned back in the rocker, and closed her eyes, “I would like to see your smile.”
There has to be something else! Like, Washington D.C.! Or, or, the Statue of Liberty!
“Nope, I would just want to see you.”
But your grandchildren, your children, and friends and family!
“My family is far away. And my friends are stuck in assisted living like us. No, I would want to see you and no one else.”
Why me?
“You’ve been my eyes ever since the first day we met , and I am eternally grateful.”
Thank you, Ella.
“No, thank you, Barry,”
They sat, rocking on a shaded porch, thinking and dreaming until Ella asked:
“Barry?”
Yes, Ella?
“If you could speak again, what would you say?”
I would say how I have loved you ever since I met you in second grade.
“Nothing else?”
Nothing.
“Why did you bring up all of this?”
I wanted to ask you something.
“Why didn’t you ask earlier silly?”
I was nervous.
“I understand, Barry, but, please ask,”
Would you marry me?
“Barry!” Ella turned in his direction.
Nevermind.
“No! I will marry you!”
Not just because I asked?
“No, Barry, I’ve waited for you to ask ever since we got out of college.”
I wasn’t sure.
“Are you sure now?”
With you, I am positively sure.
“Even if we are married one day?”
That one day would last a lifetime.
“I love you, Barry,”
I love you too, Ella.
They leaned towards each other, and hugged. And after Barry slipped the plain ring on Ella's finger, he spelled: Thank you for helping me find my voice, Ella; and you, the love of my life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Sorry, but i really didn't get this story...
I love this, I really do.
I don't have much else to so because I just did love it. At first I thought it was a phone conversation, but then slowly all the little facts come together and you get this sad, sweet, romatic picture. You could almsot put this in the form of a script, and have small paragraphs of description inbetween like you do at the end.
Love to see more of your work.
Izzy xxx
Awww! This is sooooo adorable!!! I love that it doesn't explain whats going on until the end. I was so lost by why it was in italics, I got that she was blind, but now i get it!!!!!!!
Aw, this is really sweet. I love how you keep the audiance guessing but it all makes sense in the end. Very, very good story, use of imagery and words was superb. There are a few places where you haven't put italics, but apart from that I can't see anything that would improve the story.
Keep writing,
~Crim
Here's something thats bothering me: How does a blind lady and a man who can't speak communicate? Other than that, nice story!
WOW
Your story=Total Win!
LOOOOOVE ITTTT!!!
-Soggy
Oh my gosh that was just so amazing a beautiful! The way you wrote in their history while they were having a simple, but deep, chat. And how Ella couldn't see and Barry couldn't speak.. why.. it made me cry, it did! *happy tears flowing from eyes*
Simply beautiful <3
Oy, guys. This is a topic from nearly two years ago. It's best not to bump up old topics, since likely by now the author isn't working on this piece anymore, and they probably don't want it to be bumped up. Best to focus on the newer stories that are being posted.
This is really sweet, I didn't catch on to why all Barry's words were in italics until towards the end. : D Nicely done, I enjoyed it!
Wonderful- very simple, but nicely unfolded for the reader. Very sweet story altogether. I would try to make the end match the rest in originality- I didn't find it up to par with the rest of the piece. Otherwise, this was an excellent write- very well done.
-Coral-
Hello! I really enjoyed this. But I feel that you should elaborate on the couple in the beginning. At first you think that they are teenagers but later in the story you find out that they are in fact seniors. Maybe explain the relationship. I love how this was written. Sweet, simple and to the point. Well done.
This is sweet I really like it. I love the elemnets of the story, that Barry can't talk and Ella can't see! It's a good story!
That is such a sweet story!! I wish life was always that perfect!!!!!
Oh my lardy...this is so beautiful. My heart was racing as i read this.
I nearly teared-up.
This is so beautiful.
Hello,
I really liked this piece. It's so beautiful; the meaning and emotion in it. I found it to be very sweet and romantic how these two connected. However, I do think that this could be written better. It could use a little more detail in their facial expressions and more advanced descriptive words. But don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved it! I just think it could use a little work, just the things I've previously stated. Nicely done!
keep writing!
cheers
-thevoiceinside
If i offend you with my comment, then sorry because i don't mean to!
This was OK- I liked the bit about how Ella couldn't see and Barry couldn't speak, that was interesting- but it was a bit plain.
It was just a piece of writing about a woman accepting a marriage proposal.
I know you've added a bit of a background about how they met and about the cat etc but I think you should add more detail- maybe about how they actually met or about how each of them lost their voice/sight?
Add more details of their life together in it, and make it a bit more interesting. Its a good idea, but not very interesting at the moment.
that was ...good...confusing...i didnt understand what was going on at first and i didnt understand if he was a figment of her imagination or if she was his or what but after the end note i understood a little better....it was still kinda iffy but it was good anyways nice work
Now that you have edited it, I'm sure I must have much less to say.
Don't you mean love can be shy? Maybe you mean that it can shy as in the verb. You need to make it clearer.
That's the only grammatical mistake I found. I realise this is supposed to be a really heart-warming and beautiful poem, but you didn't pull it off to me. The bit about Stripes is a bit of what I mean, but the way she just dismisses it ruins it. You need to show the familiarity between the characters to us. Yes, you told us thy were in school together. But they need to become characters we care about. I can't care about two people I don't know the relationship between. I think the "I love you" part is rushed. You could have used descriptive language to show, or even hint at, how they feel about each other.
I'm sure you want to seem really meaningful without saying too much, but this is too little. Maybe this idea would be better in a poem?
You need to write 2 reviews because of the 2:1 review:work rule. (Does anyone read the Rules before posting anymore?)
This was okay in the beginning and middle, but the last paragraphs:
were jolting and not all that good. Either phrase it all differently or take it out. I'd be in favor of taking it out, because it feels weird to suddenly jump from a dialog-only piece to a narrative piece. Besides, your narrating feels stilted and cliched.
In the same note,
Ella smiled
They sat, rocking on a shaded porch, thinking and dreaming until Ella asked:
Ella turned in his direction.
should all go. They aren't necessary to the story, and they cut into what should just be a dialog-only piece.
I third that =)
[quote="dommy65"]Awww this was so cute! I love the little part about the cat, it was sweet. Sorry this review is pretty much pointless!!
~Dommy[/quote]
lol same here I loved it
Awww this was so cute! I love the little part about the cat, it was sweet. Sorry this review is pretty much pointless!!
~Dommy
awe. That story was beautiful. I have tears in my eyes. But anyways, I like how you ended this, Ella and Barry taught us a lesson but I'll leave that for you to figure out. Very mysterious, I thought that was absolutely perfect. Keep Writing!
I thought this was a really sweet story. It's already been said but I would italicize what Barry says because that makes it a lot easier to read.
All in all it was cute but kind of confusing at parts.
Nice job! (Go review at least two things!)
-Carly
I liked this. I thought it was really good and thoughtful. The love between two best friends that comes out when they're very old was touching. And how you explained everything at the end great.
Although the dash thing was a bit hard to read I think it was the best way to do it.
"W-h-a-t i-f I s-a-i-d I a-c-c-i-d-e-n-t-a-l-l-y l-e-t o-u-t S-t-r-i-p-e-s, a-n-d s-h-e n-e-v-e-r c-a-m-e b-a-c-k?
“Even then, Barry,”
W-e-l-l I d-i-d."
This part was a bit confusing, who is Stripes?
A cat, a bird, a zebra?
Either elaborate on that or just take it out, I don't think it really contributes to the story.
Hope I helped.
-jade.
Please review two other pieces of work before you post your own stuff.
Anyway, like Suzanne said that writing got really annoying and towards the end I just skipped it, which well obviously took away from the story.
I don't know what to say really. It wasn't a story as such and ended suddenly. If it is a short piece then at least give it the thought and care you would a novel, I didn't really get anything from the characters, and yes its sad they died the day after the wedding, but nice they were happy I was a bit like...oh ok.
Sorry if that came off harsh but I generally found this difficult to read and well didn;t enjoy it. try to elaborte on it, and maybe add a little more depth, allow the reader to connect to the characters more.
Meevs
This is incredebly distracting and annoying. Instead, do it like this. Because the dashes are really annoying.
this was really beautifully written.
the point you made is so clear and well thought out.
it was such a touching piece of writing.
sweet, lovely and delicate,
not much more to say really.
well done!
bisquit
I will review it, not that there's much to comment on, but usually we have a 2:1 review ratio so....start reviewing!!!!!!!!
I liked the way you spelt out the words and things, made thing seem all the more realy but I thought maybe it would be more emotive if you kept this a secret until the end....kept the audience guessing....just a thought